Catching Up With Knowing I’m Whole

It was my second time in Prague this year, and around my 15th time there in total. I sat at one of the round tables near the front of the large conference room, that was marked for ‘English Speakers’ next to people I knew, but hadn’t seen for quite some time. As the first morning went along, I settled into ‘listening mode’ – which, given the 3-day conference was called the Listening Summit, it was about time I did listen!

The format of the conference was after each speaker’s talk, we were asked a question and given time to reflect in silence for a while, before sharing any insights and thoughts with the people on our table.

Full confession time. I resisted this idea. I went to enjoy myself. To see friends and colleagues I rarely get to see in person. And to chill for a few days. I hadn’t gone for insights or self-reflection.

After the first speaker, I played the game of mulling over whatever question was asked and shared some surface-level thoughts I had on the subject. It was something about making mistakes when our heads were too full for common sense to occur. Yeah, I have loads of examples of that. As did my table-mates. We laughed at ourselves in our common plight of being human.

The second speaker was a friend of mine for well over 10 years, Lynne Robertson, who gave her second-ever public talk. As is Lynne’s way, it was down-to-earth, relatable, funny and profound. Then came the question for all of us to ponder: “Get quiet and ask yourself: what feeling are you really looking for?”  

Back came my resistance. Or rather, arrogance. “Yeah, this stuff isn’t for me. I’m beyond these things now.” I heard my self-talk saying this and gave that part of me a bit of a thought-slap. And I stared at the screen where the question remained for us to reflect. I got quiet. Blank. And stayed there. I looked at the white tablecloth between my palm-down hands.  I wasn’t looking for any feeling.

Wait. Maybe I was. I just hadn’t been quiet enough to ponder this question afresh for a long time. I stayed quiet, stayed open and stayed in my not-knowing.

A surprising answer came to me. “I am looking to feel whole.” It came with a feeling of truth. I was still looking to feel whole. Then, I felt confused. I KNOW I’m whole. I mean, I MUST be. I see everyone else as whole, in spite of whatever opinions or judgements I may have about them. I know that if I don’t see someone as whole and 100% loveable, it means I don’t understand them.

I’ve proven this to myself time after time after time. If I don’t love someone, and I take time to understand them, I do love them and see them as whole.

It makes no sense for me to be the exception. Yet, there I was, seeing myself STILL as the exception. My mouth opened and I looked around at the faces at my table. Some looked back at me, noticing me looking up. Others were still in their own quiet reflections.

I wanted to ponder on this more for me… I am looking to feel whole… It hit me. All the things I do in my head and in my life to feel more whole. I compare myself to others. I make up rankings of where I am in comparison to other people, in intelligence, groundedness, ability, likeability... and more. I’m not proud to admit it. Yet it tickled me! I gave a little giggle. When the time came, I shared it with my table, along with my surprise at what I saw. My invisible thought pattern made visible once I got quiet. And listened from the space of not knowing.

The time came for sharing with the whole room. I put my hand up and the microphone came to me. And I shared what I’d seen with everyone, along with thanks for the question having been asked. And for me getting over myself enough to allow for the quiet reflection.

Later that afternoon I noticed someone in the room I’d not seen before. Her smile grabbed my eyes. “She’s pretty,” I thought and I vowed to go to say ‘Hi’ during the next break. And I immediately noticed what I was up to! I wanted to talk with her to feel more whole! This thinking was all over the place in my life!

How long had I been doing things to make me feel more whole? Forever? Not always, but often. I cringed.

I know what it’s like to be in a conversation with someone and they have a need to be liked. Needy. Creepy even. Ouch! Do I come across like that? Even an ounce of that energy is enough to be a turn-off. Even if it is unnoticed by them, it’s in me. It’s an unconscious ulterior motive. A waste of self-focussed energy. A lack of presence. And all based on the myth of me not already being whole.

Seeing all of this made me realise that I had residual thought habits that were out of date. I can’t be anything but whole. Imperfect, yes. As a human, it comes with the territory. But whole. 100% whole. I hadn’t caught up. Not yet. And that day, I became aware of it. With the chance of catching up with my knowing.

Later, I did go up to that pretty stranger with the smile to say ‘Hi’ and we had a lovely chat. I didn’t talk to her to feel more whole. I did it because I wanted to. And I felt free.  

With love and thanks,

Wyn