Teaching Techniques Short Changes People

I want to start with a ‘disclaimer’, or maybe it’s ‘full disclosure.’ I don’t want to sound judgy, but I know what I say below might seem judgmental. It’s not intended to be. It’s intended to share what no longer makes any sense to me, and the reasons it doesn’t.

During the mid-day break on a coaching immersion with a client this past week, I opened my phone to check my messages. I had some e-mails, some messages on WhatsApp, some on Facebook and some on Instagram. Having read and replied to the ones that needed my attention before the end of the day, I did a little scrolling. In my e-mail inbox, on FB and on Insta.

There was the usual mix of stuff in my e-mail inbox to remind me to buy more of things I already have too much of, or things I’d forgotten I’d ever bought and never needed. Scrolling took me to that social media mix of updates from people I follow, a lot of ads, and various posts that fit into one of two categories:

1) “How to find out what’s wrong with you”

2) “How to fix you”

Now, being in a relaxed, reflective state after a lovely morning, I was more intrigued by the big picture of these two categories than my all-too-often reactive head-freakout of “What the heck is up with people sharing such nonsense!” I sat back in the plush oversized armchair of the hotel coffee lounge and pondered. Then smiled… A jokey flavoured voice showed up in me:

“Hey, Mr Holier-than-thou! You used to love this stuff and share the things they do. Get off your high horse!” That inner voice had a point. And it made me laugh. I had another 45 minutes before my client would return for our afternoon session, so I could indulge this curiosity-laden train of thought some more. And my satirical streak showed up, with the following ideas to join in the posts on the social media noise-fest:

“Six ways for you to be who you are”

“How to heal from a paper cut”

“Worried you’ll forget to breathe? – Join my masterclass to never forget”

“Take this test to find out when you started worrying, and the trauma you never knew you had that will now make sense why you worry about the thing you think is wrong with you”

“Will yourself happy”

“Look to find all the reasons you can think of to prove you’re one messed-up son of a gun”

“Listen to this audio-beats program to never get angry again. EVER!”

I could go on. But I’m not funny enough to make a long list that is absurd enough. And I didn’t always think these were absurd. I’d click on these things. Buy into the idea that I needed fixing. That my feelings needed fixing. That my mind was broken. Fix that too. And that ‘fixes’ came from techniques.

As time goes by, I’m glad beyond words to have realised that nothing in me needed fixing. OK, I’ve had my tonsils taken out 30 odd years ago and my gall bladder removed 10 years ago. The rhomboid muscle in my right shoulder needs attention to loosen it now and again. They’re not things that need fixing with ‘me’ – they’re things in my physical form that have needed things to be done. The body has this amazing system built into it to tell me if there’s something that needs to be done. It’s called pain. Wise thing, this biological system!

And as for my thoughts and feelings? That has a system too. A wise system that tells me if something is up. What’s up?

Thought appearing real. That’s all, folks! The end.

Nothing wrong with me. Nothing wrong with a feeling. Any feeling. Nothing wrong with the thought. Nothing wrong with my past that I keep thinking this. Nothing wrong with my soul that I need to be tormented for eternity. (Over-dramatic? I did used to think that!) Yet, there was nothing ever so wrong that leaving it alone wouldn’t make it disappear.

One technique that used to send me back to sleep when I lay awake at night worked almost every time. I counted backwards from 100, in time with my breathing. The reason it worked was not because of the technique. It worked (when it worked) because it took my mind off whatever was keeping my mind tense. So my mind relaxed. And I fell asleep. After a while, this technique became less and less effective. Because my tense mind could stay in the land of worry instead of the land of nod, even when I was counting backwards: it could override the technique.

Because every technique plays to symptoms, not causes.

When a true cause is understood, it’s a game-changer. Yet, the human intellect is so good at scanning for problems and looking for intellectual things to do to solve them, we tend to fall for it time and time again. Then act on what we’ve made up to be the problem and then made up to be the solution. And at some point in the future, when that solution no longer works, we try harder to make it work, or look for another solution. Or blame ourselves for the technique no longer working.

Then there’s the biggest reason I no longer teach techniques. It undervalues the single most powerful aspect of a human being: their real-time intelligence. Their wisdom. Their inner knowing. Their unbreakable spirit. Their ability to choose a hammer when they see a nail, and a screwdriver when they see a screw. Their ability for ideas to occur to them without ‘thinking hard’ for ideas to come. The deepest aspect of their being. Far, far more powerful than yesterday’s best idea.

I’ve seen it far too many times in people that when they realise this innate, real-time intelligence, they have the ability to use any technique that makes sense to them. In that moment. Or have a fresh, new idea, an-until-now unknown ‘technique’ to help with a symptom. With the knowing that every single emotional-psychological ‘issue’ resolves itself when left alone. Not as an avoidance technique. As a deeper truth.

Techniques?

They give too much respect to the illusion that thoughts and feelings, or we as people, need fixing.

With love and thanks,

Wyn