Home and Away

Trying to write something ‘profound’ is difficult. I’ve known that for quite a few years, yet I still get stuck in it. I have an idea and start putting my fingers out in front of me to tap the keyboard, and I last somewhere between 2 and 5 minutes before I get stuck. Get stuck in forcing something. Trying to be good. Trying to sound clever. Trying to be meaningful. And blocking any of those from happening by thinking of the end not the single finger tap on a key, to make a word, one word at a time. I often have my ‘editing head’ on while I’m in first-draft mode. The cart before the horse. It works every time. To get nowhere.

I do that in life too. As ridiculous as I know it is, I can’t seem to help myself. Here’s an example. I think I should know what someone needs before I ask them. A presentation for a company to be written before I have the first meeting. The second question in a conversation when I’ve not heard the answer to the first question. (Fine if I’m setting a quiz – and I never am). Or jump to an assumed answer to a question and say it out loud: “How was your holiday? I bet it was great”. That one… I remember doing that twice to learn that no, it wasn’t great… once they were sick with food poisoning the entire time, and another time, with another person whose 4-year relationship ended while he and his partner were on this ‘great’ holiday. Oops!

Even if I keep my assumptions and keep my ‘cart before the horse-ness’ to myself in my mind alone, it trips me up. And I avoid doing stuff. A lot of stuff. Stuff like opening bills because I don’t like what I’ve made up is in them. Stuff like avoiding telling someone I can’t make it to the meeting, the party, the event, the ‘thing’, because they’ll be upset. And I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s upset: oh no! All stuff I don’t like. Meanwhile, it’s all chewing me up inside. Guts in knots. Tense shoulders – turning my rhomboid muscles to granite. Shallow breathing. Away in the land of grim. Yeah, it happens more often than I want to admit.

Away in the drama that’s in my head, that looks like it’s not. Thoughts that gnaw at me that don’t want to leave me alone. And this morning… sitting having my morning coffee in the garden at 7.30am. Gorgeous blue sky above. Fresh vibrant green leaves on the trees. Gentle bird song. And I was worrying about… well… not feeling calm, at peace and present to the pristine moment. Then I thought more and thought harder about it. With judgment thrown in for good measure. I was thinking more, to think less. Am I kidding me?!? “Come on Morgan! You should know better than that!” – away in my frequent-visiting self-recrimination. I laughed. And noticed…

Welcome. To. The. Human. Race.

In that moment: it’s gone. I’m back. Home. Where I always was.

With love and thanks,

Wyn